This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
