your thong is hanging out like whoa
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
