How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Pants are for mortals
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
