Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
