Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
