I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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