Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
