My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize