There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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