bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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