Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
