you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize