If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
