Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
