She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
