I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It was like giving head to a cactus.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
