Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
