The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
