He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
