At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
