You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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