How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Quick, to the slutcave!
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize