if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
he was CRYING into my vagina
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
