Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
