Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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