I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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