Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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