Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
