We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize