so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
