I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
