the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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