My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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