Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
