My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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