have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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