I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
