I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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