I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
