So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
