mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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