as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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