Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
