I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Damn victory sex feels great
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
