I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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