woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I love how my cats smell like pot.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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