I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
