I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
