my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
