Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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