Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
