I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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