We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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