my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Edward fifth and chaser hands
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
