my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
the condom got lost in my hair
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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