I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize