Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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