Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
