our cab driver is having phone sex.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
smell my finger.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
