A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
