my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
