you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
