I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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