toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I need to align my fucking chakras
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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