i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
